19 August, 2016

As of now...

> I am constantly checking my to-do list. The more I keep crossing out, more stuff gets added, and I guess I may not get to the top of it...

> My patience with the kids is really going down. I can't blame them as they are in a similar state as mine with no school or structure to occupy them. It gets bad when my already poor packaging process gets undone when they shift stuff around. I also feel guilty that I am not doing enough for them with my own preoccupations. They have become addicted to the TV which is on for almost the entire day in fits and bursts.

> Pleasantly surprised that I am managing decently on my own - decisions, organising, getting stuff done  and I have started giving myself credit for it, instead of any external validations.

> I have decided there is no right or wrong way to do things, do it your way, the way you think is right. Contextualised enhancements to learning can keep happening along the way.

>Mom seems to sound more breathless than earlier when I call. I am not able to provide any comfort to her from far. And it is tough. Also the guilt on being so involved with my own life. Dad with the difficult burden of caregiver...parents seem to be so distant...

> So many questions about going... Whether its a right decision or not perhaps will get to know retrospectively. My big worry is the education of my kids with them having to migrate to a new language all over again. And the necessity of family being together which ties up with a whole lot of emotional, financial variables.  Have heard success stories of kids in higher classes too but there are gaps of learning and concepts which need to be addressed.

>I hate constraints posed on me, who doesn't? And the latest one I am battling is 23 kg for check-in baggage. Well, each each person, their their problem.

>I can't possibly fit in everything to take there and I must prioritize. So my once black t-shirt and almost threadbare pyjama has to stay behind.

>Goodbyes are bitter-sweet and tear me up. Yesterday, it was to Gayathri, the lady who used to cook at Muthajji's,  come in to make chaklis....then the girl who runs the beauty saloon, Hanumantha...who comes to water the plants and always plays with the kids...and often it is me who is more emotional than the other party.

>I have to get going with my list, there it is....fact of life as of now.


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17 August, 2016

If we were having coffee...part 1

(I picked this theme from the Gal next door's blog here and loved it, doing a similar one)

...I would have told you how I am living in a countdown mode. And going crazy with so many things to close out. I seriously think am carrying this packing thing too far and still not managing to get to the top of it...

...That I always write my posts on the days I get up early and have me-time....

....That I love to listen to the sounds of the morning in the neighbourhood...that I was tempted to buy stuff from the tarkari-seller who goes by with his cart, one of the last few times, and didn't. But I will buy flowers from the flower-seller before I leave. And the sounds of people on the go is something I will miss in the pin-drop silence of the new place...

...That I want to live in my own country as much as I need to be with my husband, and all of us together as a family. Also that grey and brown are the colours I associate with the place I am moving to, and I hope it changes this time...

...That I am feeling lost about what I will do with myself once I get there. I know it will take some time for the kids settle down and of course there is so much to do with regards to self improvement...it is going to be back to one day at a time...Also I feel it will be a bigger change for kids, yet I am thinking about my self...

...That this time I have resolved to conquer my fear of driving and put it behind me for good...

...That it will take me some time getting used to being as a family and we all will need to make those adjustments...

...That I am steeling myself to the fact that I may not see my mom again...

...That I will miss the walk to music Mami's house, the pale green soothing colour on the outside, the bare room except for the chaapes on the floor, the statue of Saraswati with her veena, electric diyas, and the Shruti box,,,and Mami's wonderful voice... an environment which speaks to me of practice, discipline, traditions and hardwork...

...That I will miss so many things about the life we are leaving behind and also the fact that it will never be the same again, even when we visit....

..That I hope I can find a friend to drink coffee with in the new place and also am acceptful of the fact that if it is not the case will not fret about it....be thankful for all the wonderful people I can be in touch virtually.....



...Do tell me what you have been doing, thinking, reading, listening...I would love to hear from you :)


16 August, 2016

Taking stock...

The no. of times I have come here, half written some post, left it languishing  in the drafts..story of my life. Days have been a bit crazy, and once the visa arrived.... yes, it did, finally.....even more so, frantically trying to close out loose ends and then not being able to. Packing has taken up a lot of time and seems to be never ending, I have tried to be organised but after a point of time I lose the plot, just how many things/clothes/books does one need? It is becoming a case of more is less now, something I am trying to address.

Anything I leave behind has to be packed in cartons, labelled...I have forgotten the code to the combination lock of a suitcase thankfully it was full and i am leaving it behind...Kids have been very unhelpful through this all as they drag everything out and I am constantly putting stuff in...the rains and holidays and people who need to do work in time not doing it, all this is just adding to the chaos.

Inspite of the urgency, procrastination rules at times..I have had no time to dwell on the life which would be there...and tell myself that it is not going to happen until I get there. Have gained back all the weight I had lost doing yoga and eating sensibly...mid June onwards its been very erratic my schedule. People ask if we are happy or not to go back and the adjustments that would follow - for the kids, schooling in a new language and frankly I don't know, it's like the time here is on expiry and taking all things into account, this is the best way. Two years ago, it was a different perspective and I do think adjustments are a big part and parcel of life off late.

Goes without saying, I will miss the times we had here, living in this house of Tatha, with the honge marra standing tall like a sentinel outside, the people I met, friends from previous lives, the exuberance during festivals, there being no struggle for acceptance, the kids learning Hindi and my daughter's tryst with learning dance and music...the Indian-ness we keep talking about and I am sure it will stay with them. Kids have a great set of friends in the neighbourhood now, backstreet girls as we pun, and are waiting for 4 o clock, a big glass of milk gulped down to go and play, trooping in reluctantly when I herd them back home.

Indeed, life there will have some calibration for us all. As of now, one day at a time, like how its been for a while.